Doctor to Patient: "Don’t worry about your heart. It will function as long as you live."
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Phones are getting thinner and smarter.
People, not so much.
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What is the difference between a Russian optimist, pessimist and realist?
The optimist studies English.
The pessimist studies Chinese.
The realist stays home and cleans his kalashnikov.
There is a senior citizen driving on the highway.
His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful!
I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''
Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''
Yo mama is so fat, she got arrested at the airport for ten pounds of crack.
"Mommy," Little Johnny asked, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"
"No, dear," she replied. "Sometimes they start with 'Darling, I'll be working late at the office tonight...'"
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When Chuck Norris finishes his workout, the gym takes a break.
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A man and a blonde are at an ATM.
The man says "I know you'r pincode, it's ****" and the blonde says "No it's not! It's 4829!"
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.
He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over.
The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him.
"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."
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A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, “Major, when was the last time you had sex?”
“1956,” was his reply.
“No wonder you look so uptight!” she exclaimed. “Major, you need to get out more!”
“I’m not sure I understand you,” he answered, glancing at his watch, ”It’s only 2014 now.”