Q: What's a good holiday tip? A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
Q: How long does it take before a pound of weed goes bad? A: I don't know! I've never had it longer than an hour!
Q: How did the pirate become a boxing champion so fast? A: Nobody was ready to take on his right hook.
Q: What do you call a stoner spilling his weed on the floor? A: Drug Abuse.
Your theeth are so yellow when you opend the popcorn packet it said "We are family."
A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off: "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses." Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job... Lead us not into temptation."
Little lad is sitting between his Mum and Dad on the sofa and they are playing a game about what sounds animals say. His Mum says "What does a duck say Tommy?" He says"Quack quack Mummy." His Mum says "Very good Tommy,that's right." She says "What does a dog say?" He says "Woof woof Mummy." She says "Very good." She says "What does a cat say?" He says "Meow meow Mummy." She says "Yes that's right." Tommy says "Let Daddy have a go." His dad says "Ok Tommy,what does a cow say?" The little lad looks confused and his Dad says "Come on Tommy you know what a cow says." Tommy says "Yes I do but do you mean a cow that eats grass and gives us our milk, or the one you where talking to Uncle John about, that said you could'nt go to the Stag show with him?"
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most? A: Fry-days.
Q: Why is marriage not a word? A: It's a lifelong incarceration!
Put a "Please Use Other Door" sign on the entrance to your office building if it only has one entrance.