What do you do for exercise? I lift weights. What do you do for cardio? I lift weights faster.
Yo mama is so stupid she tried to commit suicide by jumping out the basement window.
Why are black people so good at Basketball? Cause all you have to do is RUN, SHOOT and STEAL.
I had to get rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.
A huge guy walks into a bar, approaches a little guy and karate chops him in the back. When the little guy gets up, the huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." A little later, the huge guy walks back over to the little guy and karate chops him in the back. The huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from China." The little guy leaves the bar, comes back and hits the huge guy on the back. The huge guy lies unconscious on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender, "Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."
Monahan stumbled into a saloon, half crocked. "Say," he said to the bartender, "how tall is a penguin?" "About two and a half feet." "Thank God!" cried Monahan. "I thought I ran over a nun!"
Calling for information about one of my credit cards, I got the following recorded prompt: "Please enter your account number as it appears on your card or statement." I did as instructed, and the system said, "Please enter your five-digit ZIP code." After I put that in, I got a third message: "If you would like your information in English, press one."
Where do milk shakes come from? Nervous cows.
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? A: For throwing out the W's