If Chuck Norris met Dora the Explorer, he'd introduce her to his Boots.
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Several years ago, after having Japanese executives from the automotive industry tour a Ford Plant, they held a press conference in which one of the Japanese execs claimed that the American workers were slow and lazy.
Not long after, a friend sent me a picture of a bumper sticker on a truck at the Ford plant.
It read - "We may be slow and lazy, but we build a damn good bomb!"
In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister.
The minister asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me?
I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming.
She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her 10 Hail Mary's and I'll be right back."
Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed.
Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession.
"Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable.
I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."
Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation.
Surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do.
So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?"
In reply the altar boy said, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."
Q: What goes in hard and pink, but comes out soft and mushy?
A: Bubblegum and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Teacher: “If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?”
Boy: “Somebody else’s pants.”
Yo mama so fat she has more chins than a Chinese phone book.
A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic.
The teacher says, “Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?”
The little boy thinks for a moment and says, “NONE!”
The teacher replies, “None, how do you figure that?”
The little boy says, “if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence.”
The teacher replies, “Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!”
The little boy then says, “Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?”
The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, “Well, I guess the one sucking her cone.”
To which the little boy replies, “Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!”
A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow." I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says, "One".
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65 ".
The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"
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A Pakistani drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says "In Islamabad our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."
The Bangladeshi (obviously impressed by this) drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says "In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
Sardarji, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Pakistani and Bangladeshi.
He says "In India we have so many Pakistanis and Bangladeshis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
I am a dog
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up
And give you a shower.
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