I was out for a drink with the wife last night and I said, "I love you". She asked me, "Is that you or the beer talking" I said, "It's me...I'm talking to the beer"!
How do men sort their laundry? "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue? A: Because he ate his food before it was cool.
I am a dog And you are a flower. I lift my leg up And give you a shower.
Q: Why did God invent yeast infection? A: So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying c*nt.
Yo mama is so old that when she walked out of a museum the alarm went off.
"Lisa, why are you so angry with me?" "Because I'm Christine."
I have a bumper sticker saying, "Honk if you think I'm sexy". Some days I just stand at a green light till I'm feeling good about myself.
A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off. The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him. He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand." The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man. Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please stand up!" The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he’s the only one standing. Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don’t know what we’re voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"
Teacher: "Little Johnny, give me a sentence using the word, 'geometry.'" Little Johnny: "A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said, 'Gee, I'm a tree.'"