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When Chuck Norris got stung by a bee, the Bee had an allergic reaction called Chuck Norris.
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Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money.
"I'm not paying," said the duck. "I've only got one bill and I'm not breaking it."
"I've spent my last buck," said the deer.
"Then the duck'll have to pay," said the skunk.
"Getting here cost me my last scent."
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he ot it.
He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.
“YES, YES, YES!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
“Good!” said the first bat, “Because I fucking didn’t!”
Q: Who was the most famous pirate octopus?
A: Captain Squid.
Why do police dogs lick their balls?
To get the taste of Nigger out their mouths.
Little Johnny walks in on his mother in the bathtub.
He asks his mother what is the big fuzzy patch below her bellybutton.
She replies, "A bush."
The next day Little Johnny walks in on his father while he's in the shower.
He asks, "What is that big long thing hanging between your legs?"
His father replies, "It is a snake."
A few days later, Little Johnny walks in on his mother, once again in the bathtub. He asks, "What are those two baggy things hanging above your bellybutton?" She replies, "Headlights."
A couple weeks go by and the little boy walks in on his parents having sex.
He yells, "Mom, turn on your headlights! The snake is crawling into your bush!"
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What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
Why did the dinosaur have so few friends?
Because Tyrannosaurus reeks!
Chuck Norris was once bitten by a venomous cobra ....
After 5 days of excrutiating pain the cobra
Eventually died
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When Chuck Norris was a baby he didnt have teddy bears. He had real bears.
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