Best jokes ever

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"
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has 74.72 % from 42 votes. More jokes about: old people
A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news." "Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient. The doctor replies, "You only have 24 hours to live." "That's terrible," said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?" The doctor replies, "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
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has 74.72 % from 42 votes. More jokes about: men
A snail starts a slow climb up the trunk of an apple tree. He is watched by a sparrow who can't help laughing and eventually says "Don't you know there aren't any apples on the tree yet?" "Yes," said the snail, "but there will be by the time I get up there."
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has 74.72 % from 42 votes. More jokes about: animal, food, travel
A boy speeding on road. Guard stops him and ask, "Did you see the speed limit sign?" The boy says, "Yea, I just didnt see you."
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has 74.72 % from 42 votes. More jokes about: cop
Yo mama is so old that when she walked out of a museum the alarm went off.
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has 74.72 % from 42 votes. More jokes about: old people, technology, Yo mama
My wife's cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.
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has 74.71 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: food, mean, religious, wife
Two old friends met by chance on the street. After chatting for some time, one said to the other, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've forgotten your name. You'll need to tell me." The other stared at him thoughtfully for a long time, then replied, "How soon do you need to know?"
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has 74.71 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: communication, friendship, memory, old people, time
Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!" The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!" The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."
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has 74.71 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: cop
A good looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top. She raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer, revealing that she does not shave her armpits. Meanwhile, a sloppy drunk on the other side of the bar signals the bartender, "Buy that ballerina over there a drink on me." The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?" "Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick that can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina."
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has 74.71 % from 90 votes. More jokes about: bar, bartender, beer, disgusting, women
Masturbation is like procrastination, it’s all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself!
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has 74.69 % from 237 votes. More jokes about: sex
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