My girlfriend is like February 30th, she doesn't exist.
Q: How do pirates make their money? A: By hook or by crook!
Toilets are like mothers-in-law: the farther away the better.
Q: How long does it take before a pound of weed goes bad? A: I don't know! I've never had it longer than an hour!
You are so old, you walked into an antique shop and they sold you.
Electricity pays Chuck Norris to light up his house.
What do you call an accountant with an opinion? An auditor.
Q: What did the Nickelback fan say to the other Nickelback fan when they ran out of weed? A: Man, this music sucks.
Q: How is the Easter Bunny like Michael Jordan? ´ A: They're both famous for stuffing baskets!
Chuck Norris walked right into Area 51, bought a Snapple, and walked out. No one dared to move.