A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly. “Is everything okay, pal?”, the bartender asks. “My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn’t talking to me for a month!”. Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?” “Yeah. But today is the last day”.
Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony. "Help, help!" yells one of the blondes. "Help us, help us!" yells the other. "Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde. "Good idea," said the other. "Together, together!"
Chuck Norris can straighten a circle.
Chuck Norris can kill you as many times as he wants to. He knows CPR.
Q:How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead in the road and a coyote lying dead in the road? A:With the coyote, you usually see skid marks.
A guy and a girl are lying in a room after just having sex. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests. The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man, oh Man I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin." The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?" "Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity." Astounded, the girl replies,"So you really love me?" "Oh God no!", the guy says."I just got sick of waiting."
Johnny, if you had 5$ and you asked your father for 3$ more, how many dollars would you have? I would have five dollars... You don't know your arithmetic, Johnny... You don't know my father, Mrs. Mutch...
You know, I have Google+, Facebook, Twitter, Skype accounts... Man, and do you have life? OMG, No! Could you send me a link?
Q: What do you call a redneck virgin? A: A 7 year old that can run faster than her brothers.
Yo mama is so fat, the army used her pants for a parachute.