George W. Bush and Bill Clinton both decided to have biographies written about them.
George called him "The Three Most Powerful Men - Bush, Dick, and Colon".
Bill called his "Sex Between the Bushes"
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One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.
Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road.
The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.
At the roadside there also stands a young woman.
She is absolutely beautiful slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair... heart stopping.
The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.
"Right, you Jimmy," he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate!"
"But..." stammers the driver.
"Du it now - or I'll bluddy kill yu!"
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate.
Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this doesn"t take him long.
"Right!" snarls the Highlander. "Du it agin, now!"
So the driver does it again.
"Right laddie, du it agin!" demands the Highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours.
The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, is violently aching, his sight is failing and despite the cold wind, he has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.
"Du it again!" says the Highlander.
"I can"t do it any more - you'll just have to kill me!" whimpers the man.
The Highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside and says, "All right laddie. NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to Inverness?"
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Man to friend: ‘I read a survey that said half the men in the UK masturbate in the shower, and the other half sing.
Do you know what they sing?’
Friend: ‘No I don’t.’
Man: ‘I thought you wouldn’t.’
Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
A: The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of s*x education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo.
But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.
Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of s*x education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher.
"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.
"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.
Finally, little Johnny raises his hand.
With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.
"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."
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Yo mama is so hairy, Kingkong got jealous.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
faces like yours
belong in a zoo.
Don't worry I'll be there too,
not in the cage,
but laughing at you.
Yo mama is so fat she turned a monster truck into a low rider.
What do you call a black guy in a suit?...
Guilty.
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What do you call a bunch of white people in a elevator?
A box of crakers.
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