Best jokes ever

Two brothers, Bob and Tom, both work for a lumberyard. One day, Bob tells Tom that he can tell what any piece of wood is just by smelling it. Unbelieving, Tom blindfolds Bob and proceeds to test the theory. The first piece of wood Bob smells, he instantly identifies as maple. The second piece Bob instantly identifies as walnut. Tom cannot believe Bob can really do this, so he takes an old piece of wood and whispers to the secretary to rub the wood between her legs. She happily runs it up in her crotch. Tom hands the piece of wood to Bob. Bob smells it three times. "I am stumped. But I would have to guess that this wood is either a pussywillow or a shingle from a shithouse."

Two dyslectic fellas sat in the kitchen... Fella 1: "Ere, can you smell gas?" Fella 2: "Who me? No... I can't even smell my own name!"

An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, "Why are you going to sleep on the floor?" The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" The bird said, "You know."

I'm trying to write a joke about overdosing on cocaine. But I need a line to end it.

I recently went to my new doctor. After two visits and exhaustive tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. I was a bit worried what he meant by that, so I asked him, "Do you think I'll live to be eighty, Doc?" He looked at me and asked me, "Do you smoke or drink beer or wine?" I said, "No, nothing like that. And I don't do drugs either." He looked at me again and asked me, "Okay, do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my old doctor told me that all red meat is very unhealthy." He looked at me again and asked me, "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" I replied, "No, nothing like that." He looked at me again and asked me, "And do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" I said, "No, nothing like that, Doc." He looked at me again and said, "Then why do you even care?"

Police have found the body of a man in the Thames wearing a Chelsea shirt, womens underwear, fishnet stockings, suspenders and with an extra large dildo stuck up his arse. They have removed the Chelsea shirt to save the family any embarrassment ...

An old man goes into a pharmacy, asks for two Viagra pills and demands that the pharmacist cut them in half. The pharmacist winks at him, "OK, but do you realize they won't be as effective?" The old man says, "Listen sonny, I'm 80 years old. I don't want them for sex. I need them for getting me hard enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

There was this man who had a dog. Every Sunday morning at 4:30 AM the man and the dog would go fishing. One day, the man fell in love and got married. After the wedding, when the man and the woman got in bed together, the man turned to the woman. "Tomorrow is Sunday and every Sunday morning, me and my dog go fishing at 4:30 AM. We'd like you to come along." "And what if I don't want to come along?" the woman asked impatiently. "Well then, sweetie, we'll just have to have buttsex." With that, the man rolled over and fell asleep, and left the woman pondering. "God, I hate having the buttsex, but I also hate getting up so early. I'll have to think about this more." In the morning, the woman could hear the man going downstairs to get the dog. It was much too early for the woman to get up so she decided to wait for the inevitable buttsex. She waited for about half an hour and fell back asleep, thinking her husband had left already. She awoke to the man, pulling on her arm. "Have you made your decision?" he asked "Yes," she replied. "I do not want to go fishing." True to his word, the man pulled down his pants. "By the way, what took you so long to come upstairs? It usually doesn't take that long to get Sparky up." "I know," the man said. "He didn't want to go either."

Q: What's the difference between the first honeymoon and the second? A: First honeymoon, Niagara. Second honeymoon, Viagra.