Jesus said to John, "Come forth and receive eternal life."
He came fifth and received a toaster.
Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed ‘Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man.'
The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"
Husband takes the wife to a disco.
There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he’s still fucking celebrating!!"
You know why Chuck Norris is always on top during sex?
Because he never fucks up.
Vote:
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One...men will screw anything.
Vote:
A guy tells his friends:
The girl I was dating broke my heart, so I broke her Apple iPhone 5. You all know who cried more
Vote:
How does an LA policeman go fishing?
He catches one fish, then beats it until it tells him where the others are.
10 Facts About You:
1. You're reading this now.
2. You're realizing that this is a stupid fact.
4. You didn't notice I skipped number 3.
5. You're checking now.
6. You're smiling.
7. You're still reading this even though it is stupid.
9. You didn't realize I skipped number 8.
10. You're checking again and smiling because you fell for it again.
11. You're enjoying this.
12. You didn't realize I said 10 facts not 12.
If you're feeling down, I can feel you up.