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One day Mrs. Smith went to have a talk with the minister at thelocal church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this needle with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Smith is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Mr. Smith dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the needle. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Smith," said the minister. Soon, Mr.Smith nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Smith. "God!" Mr. Smith cried out as he was stuck again with the needle. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.Smith again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Smith mistook as signals to prod her husband with the needle again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Smith poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I’ll break it in half and shove it up your a***s!" "Amen," replied the congregation.
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A blonde's redhead decides to show her a neat way to trick people. You put your hand on a wall and ask someone to punch it. But before they do, you pull your hand away! "That is a neat trick," thinks the blonde, and tries desperately to remember it, but isn't all too successful. Despite this, she decides to try it out on her blonde friend. "Okay," she says, "I'm going to put my hand in front of my face..."
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Chuck Norris' day consists of 25 hours.
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Chuck Norris once broke the sound barrier. In half.
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A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette. When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country. After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!" She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?" The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try. The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157." The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car. Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said. "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
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Labradoodles were made when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a Labrador and a Poodle at the same time.
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When Norris hits the road, he destroys it.
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Chuck Norris doesn't throw a baseball, it just leaves his hand cowering in fear.
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Chuck Norris has proven Newton's third law of physics, there is no force equal to a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick.
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Chuck Norris not only speaks in the third person, he sees in the third person.
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