A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love making.
Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase.
The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work.
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try."
Still no success.
So, he said, "Look. Let's both get on top."
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said: "Zoo or no zoo.
I just gotta see this."
Yo mama so stupid that when you told her the mouse on her computer was broken she took it to the vet.
A little kid gets on a city bus, sits right behind the driver, and starts talking loudly, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow, I'd be a little bull."
The driver gets annoyed as the kids continues to yammer on.
"If my dad was an rooster and my mom a hen, I would be a little chick."
The kid goes on and on with all the animals he knows, when finally, the bus driver yells, "What if your dad was a bum and your mom was a drunk?"
The kid smiles and says, "I'd be a bus driver."
Doc, says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on Earth for?"
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time.
If you don't do it, I'll just go to another doctor."
"OK, but it's against my better judgment."
Steve has his operation.
The next day he walks down the hospital corridor very slowly, legs apart, with his drip stand.
Heading toward him is another patient walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Yeah," says the patient, "I finally decided I'd like to be circumcised."
Steve's eyes widen in horror, "Oh no! That's the word!"
Priest: Kim, do you take Kanye to be your lawfully wedded husband to love and cherish?
Kim: I..
*Kanye grabs mic*
Kanye: She do.
I was having a shit in the train toilet today, when some bloke knocked on the door.
He said, "Can I see your ticket please?"
"Not right now" I shouted, "I'm having a shit!"
He said, "I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?"
"No problem," I said, sliding it under. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn."
Mum has told her little girl all about the making of babies.
Little Annie is now silent for a while.
"You understand it now?" Mum asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
Why dont mexicans cross the border in groups of 3's?
Cuz the signs at the border say no Trespassing.
In Africa, in a hospital, a black man entered armed – he had a knife on him – stick in his back!
Teacher: Where are the Great Plains located?
Tommy: At the great airports!