Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half over", he said.
Teacher: "Who can tell what is a mammal? Little Johnny: "My grand mother!"
Yo' mama's breath so nasty, I don't know whether to give her Tic-Tacs or toilet paper!
Q: What do you call a redneck that's bursting into flames? A: A fire cracker.
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? When the kids are in college.
A gay couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of them. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The one who was giving the party said, "We've blown all our money on parties and fine dining and decorating this house, I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He had the tickets in his hand. Next, it was the birthday boy's turn. He paused for a moment, and then with a sly grin said, "Well, I'd like a boyfriend 30 years younger than me." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
*How girls become friends* Omg I love your shoes! *How guys become friends* Excuse me sir, I see you fuck bitches, I myself, also fuck bitches.
One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit. He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts. Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"
The Grinch stole Christmas until Chuck Norris ordered him to return it.
Chuck Norris put his phone on air-plane mode and flew it.