Women need a reason to have sex - men just need a place.
With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
It's a really hot day and this penguin is having car trouble, so he takes it into a garage. The penguin asks, "How long will it be?" The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes." So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream. Three hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the garage. With ice cream all over his face and his stomach he says, "So, how's my car?" The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "No, no, no, I was just eating ice cream."
Son: "Dad, I'm cold..." Dad: "Stand in a corner, they're usually ninety degrees!"
I really do have a soft spot for my MIL. It's out in the garden behind the garage.
A blonde goes into a music store and asks the guy who works there where the country music CD's are. The salesman replies, "Try the other side." So the blonde moves to his other ear and says, "Where are the country music CD's?"
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and asks the barman “Can I have a drink for me and one for the road?”
I would make a science joke but all the good ones ARGON.
A man and wife were having argument about who should make the pot of tea in the morning. The wife told him that he should do it because he gets up first. The husband said that she was in charge of the cooking in the house, making it her job. The wife said that even the bible says that the man should do it. The husband told her to show him and if it did he would make it. She fetched the bible and opened up the new testament, showing him at the top of several pages that said "Hebrews".
The Bible says I'll pay for my sins. I already do, Escorts, drugs and alcohol don't come free.