An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way, buddy, you're too drunk."
A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom.
Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time, you're too drunk"
Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"
The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."
There was three people approaching the gates of heaven But there was only one place left.
The gate keeper asked the first man what happened to him because the one with the worst death would go inn.
The first man said:
"Well imagine that I expected my wife was having an affair, so I got home early to surprise her. I found her in the bathroom with a towel round her so I knew she wasn't having a shower so I search the apartment and found 10 fingers hanging from the window sill. So I started bashing away at them. When he fell god must have loved him, because he lived. So I threw a refrigerator at him. After all the excitement I died of a heart attack."
That's horrific said the gate keeper, he asked the second man how he died and he said.
"Well imagine this I was riding one of those stationary bike on the top of our apartment building but it went wrong I feel down and grabbed some ones window sill. Then some idiot started bashing ar my fingers then I fell but god must have loved me because i lived then -SHANNOOOWWWW- a refrigerator plunged down at me"
That is to horrific.
He asked the third man how he died and he said.
"Well imagine that I was naked in a refrigerator..."
Recruits got a shock when their Army basic-training instructor turned out to be an attractive female sergeant.
Her assistant, however, was a burly, hawk-nosed veteran whose glare could freeze water.
At the end of training, the attractive instructor congratulated the recruits and said that if there was anything she could do for us, just ask.
From the back, a voice called out, "How about a kiss from the sergeant?"
"Sure," she replied, raising her hand to quell the laughter. "But I'll let my assistant take care of it!"
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"
The CIA has three candidates, two men and a woman, for one assassin position.
On the final day of testing, the CIA proctor leads the first male candidate to a large steel door and hands him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow our instructions, regardless of the circumstances," he explains.
"Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man is horrified, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!"
"Well," says the proctor, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
The CIA proctor leads the second male candidate to another large steel door and hands him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances," the proctor explains.
"Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man steadies himself, takes the gun and enters the room.
After three quiet minutes, the man exits the room with tears in his eyes.
"I wanted to do it I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
Finally, the CIA proctor leads the female candidate to yet another large steel door and hands her a gun.
"We must be sure that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman takes the gun, enters the room, and before the door even closes completely behind her, she's fired off six shots. Then all hell breaks loose behind the door cursing, screaming, crashing.
Suddenly, all goes quiet.
The door opens slowly, the woman exits, and wiping the sweat from her brow, she says, "Did you guys know the gun was loaded with blanks? I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
A guy at a bar was just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking.
Here, I'll buy you another drink.
I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life.
First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office.
My boss, outrageous, fires me.
When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen.
The police said that they can do nothing.
I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there.
The cab driver just drives away."
I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener.
I leave home, and come to this bar.
And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Chuck Norris can lift up a chair with one hand... While he's sitting on it...
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When Chuck Norris enters into a courtroom, the judge stands up.
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Chuck Norris protects his body guards.
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When a woman gets a vibrator, it's seen as a bit of naughty fun. But when a guy orders a 240 volt Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collecting tray, together with optional built-in realistic orgasm scream 7.1 sound system, he's called a pervert.
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