Best jokes ever

The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He simply decides what time it is.

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt. "What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks. The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license." His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car." Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

What four animals does a woman like to have in her house? A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

There once was a fellow from Kent Who had such a long instrument. To stay out of trouble He folded it double. And instead of coming he went.

I love in horror movies how the person yells out "Hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "Yeah I'm in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, “you do God’s work.” The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, “you protect the public.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop. A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, “you serve the justice system.” The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

An old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his. They had not seen each other for many years so they had much to talk about and many old memories to renew. After some time, one said to the other, "If you don’t mind my saying so, you don’t look very good, you must have experienced some bad luck." "Yes," the other one said, "I have. You see this peg leg? Well, one day I was out on deck and my leg become dangled up in a loose line and it was so badly mangled that they had to take it off at the knee." His friend agreed that was bad luck. The other one continued. "You see I have a hook for a hand. One day I was out on deck when a shipmate of mine fell overboard. I leaned over as far as I could in a attempt to rescue him and as I extended my hand to him a shark took my hand off." "My, you really did experience bad luck, the other responded, I see you have a patch over one eye, What happened to your eye?" "Well, I was out on deck again one day and just as I looked up, a seagull that was flying over , unloaded, and got me right in the eye." "My, My,(not real sailor talk) did that take your eye out?" "No, that was the first day I had my hook."

Little Johnny asks the teacher, "Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven't done?" Mrs Roberts is shocked, "Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair!" Little Johnny is relieved, "OK Mrs Roberts, sorry, I haven't done my homework."