There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim.
When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?"
The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me."
A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?"
The preacher replied again, "No God will save me."
Eventually the preacher drowned and went to heaven.
The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
Vote:
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied,
"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"
Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
Vote:
Little Johnny asks the teacher, "Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven't done?"
Mrs Roberts is shocked, "Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair!"
Little Johnny is relieved, "OK Mrs Roberts, sorry, I haven't done my homework."
Vote:
Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch.
He simply decides what time it is.
Vote:
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Vote:
Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning.
The man strokes her back, "I'm so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this..."
"Don't worry Steve, it's not your fault."
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.