The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?"
Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!"
So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye."
"That's correct, Johnny. Very good!"
And turning to Jessica, she says:
"I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"
A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.
So they did.
Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price.
So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat
3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home.
Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady!
Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together.
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A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object on the shelf.
She asks the clerk, “What is that shiny object?”
The clerk replies, “That is a thermos.”
The blonde then asks, “What does it do?”
The clerk responds, “It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.”
The blonde says, “Oh! I could use something like that! I’ll take it!”
The next day, as she walks into work with her new thermos she spots her boss and shows off her shiny new thermos, “I just got this yesterday, isn’t it wonderful!
It’s a thermos and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!”
The boss asks, “And what do you have in it?”
The blonde replies, “Some coffee and a popsicle.”
Chuck Norris donates his beard clippings to the Army so they can make Kevlar vests.
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Man says to his boss "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss says "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man says "Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity."
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Wife to husband: ‘My mother says I should never have married you.
She says you’re effeminate.’ Husband: ‘Compared to her everyone is.’
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.
He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.
Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.
But,he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible.
Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said.
"Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
Today was a terrible day.
My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
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Chuck Norris runs until the Treadmill gets tired.
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