Q: What's the difference between death and taxes? A: Congress doesn't meet every year to make death worse.
A woman comes up to me and says, "Hey sexy you lost 185 lbs and now you have money." "You wanna be my sugar daddy?" "Nope I'm diabetic!"
Q: Why do hipsters love using the subway? A: Because its underground.
Q: Why is Santa always so jolly when he comes to the UK? A: He can claim Gift Relief.
Old librarians never die, they just lose their references.
How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner.
Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue? A: Because he ate his food before it was cool.
In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth... After that, everything else was Made in China.
Chuck Norris can win an argument with his wife.
At a dancing party a shy boy approached a girl and asked, "Will you dance with me, please?" The arrogant girl says, "I don’t dance with a kid." The taken back boy apologized, "I am sorry, I did not realize you were pregnant."