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Q: What's the difference between death and taxes? A: Congress doesn't meet every year to make death worse.
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A woman comes up to me and says, "Hey sexy you lost 185 lbs and now you have money." "You wanna be my sugar daddy?" "Nope I'm diabetic!"
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Q: Why do hipsters love using the subway? A: Because its underground.
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Q: Why is Santa always so jolly when he comes to the UK? A: He can claim Gift Relief.
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Old librarians never die, they just lose their references.
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How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner.
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Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue? A: Because he ate his food before it was cool.
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In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth... After that, everything else was Made in China.
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Chuck Norris can win an argument with his wife.
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At a dancing party a shy boy approached a girl and asked, "Will you dance with me, please?" The arrogant girl says, "I don’t dance with a kid." The taken back boy apologized, "I am sorry, I did not realize you were pregnant."
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