Best jokes ever

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses. She yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?” The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells out, “Was I going up the stairs or down?” The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.” She knocks on wood for good measure. She then replies,“I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”
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has 83.79 % from 208 votes. More jokes about: age, old people
Man says to his boss "Can we talk? I have a problem." Boss says "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!" Man says "Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity."
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has 83.79 % from 136 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, management, work
Chuck Norris donates his beard clippings to the Army so they can make Kevlar vests.
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has 83.76 % from 482 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris did 5 successful suicide bomb missions
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has 83.75 % from 642 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris
At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. ‘If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?’ Among the forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard. With his team’s software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
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has 83.75 % from 106 votes. More jokes about: IT, management
It's funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible... But 8 glasses of wine can be done in one meal.
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has 83.74 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: time, wine
When the President pushes the big red button, Chuck Norris's cell phone rings.
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has 83.74 % from 1036 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, phone, political
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
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has 83.74 % from 555 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris
Jesus and the devil were arguing over which one of them was the better computer programmer. "I am!" Jesus shouted. "No, I am!" the devil countered. "I am!" "I am!" "Me!" "No, me!" "EEEEEEENOUGH!" God bellowed, and the whole universe disappeared into darkness. When the lights came back on, two computers were sitting in front of them. God said "Now, whoever makes the best computer program in twenty minutes wins." Jesus and the devil both sat down, typing and clicking furiously. This went on for about 15 minutes, but then there was a power failure, and everything went dark. When everything came back up again, the computer screens were both blank. The devil tried in vain to get back everything he had lost. He came up empty-handed. Jesus pressed one key and it all came back. The devil looked at him in astonishment. "No way! How did you do that?!" Jesus turned to him and smiled, and said "Everybody knows Jesus saves."
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has 83.73 % from 186 votes. More jokes about: computer, god, life, programmer
Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you’re in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy says, "I’d like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I’d like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I’d like to hear them say…… look at him, he's moving!"
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has 83.73 % from 339 votes. More jokes about: black humor, car, death, family, heaven
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