Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a doctor!"
Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a professor!"
Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse!"
The teacher couldn't believe what she's had just heard, so she made a point of calling Little Johnny's father that evening to discuss the situation.
Little Johnny's father explained, "Actually, I'm a law attorney, but how am I supposed to explain that to a seven year old kid!"
St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."
"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."
A few moments later a second man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."
"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."
A few moments later a third man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a Military Policeman, Sir."
"Excellent my son, I've gotta take a leak, watch the gate will ya?"
You know when donkey followed Shrek home and just kept talking?
That's what it's like having kids.
Q: How many divorce attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It only takes one divorce attorney to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
Vote:
Q: What do you give a sick bird?
A: Tweetment!
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.
The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord and nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells, "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
Husband: Shall we try a new positon tonight?
Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board, and I'll sit on the couch while drinking beer and farting.
What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
Yo mama is so stupid that when she got locked up in the supermarket she starved to death.