“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.
Then it dawned on me . . . they’re cramming for their final exam.”
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Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, “I’m a YUPPIE.
You know, Young Urban Professional.”
The second guy responded, “I’m a DINK.
You know, Double Income No Kids.”
They then asked the woman, “What are you?”
She replied: “I’m a WIFE.
You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.”
The best part of waking up is not the Folgers in your cup, it's knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
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Few people can go down Niagra Falls in a barrel.
Chuck Norris can go up Niagra Falls in a carboard box.
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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
A: The blonde works in the dark!
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Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding.
In Heaven, they ask St.
Peter if they can still be married.
"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."
Six months pass and Peter returns.
"Yes, we can do this for you."
The couple asks, "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?"
To which St. Peter answers, "It took me six months to find a priest up here how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"
Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives?
Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.
What did one math book say to the other math book?
"I don't know about you man, but I got a lot of problems!"
A little boy and a little girl were taking a bath.
The little girl looked down and said, "What's that?"
"That's my little red sports car," said the little boy.
The little boy looked down and said, "What's that?"
"That's my little red sports car garage," said the little girl.
A few seconds later the little girl said, "How about you put your little red sports car in my little red sports car garage?"
"Sure," said the little boy.
The little boy's mother was down stairs and heard this blood curdling scream.
She ran upstairs.
Once she got there she saw blood all over the bathtub.
"What happened?!" she said.
"Well, Johnny tried to put his little red sports car in my little red sports car garage...but it didn't fit...so I cut the back wheels off..."
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Why do men like having sex with the lights on?
It makes it easier to put a name to the face.