A blind man and his dog walks into a bar and the blind man starts swinging hid dog around the barman says, "What are you doing?" A blind man replies, "Nothing I'm just looking around!
I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!." As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. "What's the matter, madam?" he asked. "I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed. "There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"
Q: Why doesn't Smokey the bear have any kids? A: Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207...
Yo mama so bald, when she puts on a turtle neck she looks like a roll on deodorant.
Barnum & Bailey was transferring the circus from one town to another. The elephants were connected trunk to tail. They came along a railroad crossing and as the elephants were halfway across the tracks, a train came along and killed two of them. Shortly thereafter, B&M Railroad received an invoice from Barnum and Bailey for $10,000. B&M immediately called Barnum & Bailey and requested an explanation for the charge, writing, "What is the cost of a new elephant?" Barnum & Bailey responded, "$1,000 each." B&M responded, "But, we only killed two of them!" Barnum & Bailey said, "Yes, but you pulled the assholes out of eight others."
An old man goes into a pharmacy, asks for two Viagra pills and demands that the pharmacist cut them in half. The pharmacist winks at him, "OK, but do you realize they won't be as effective?" The old man says, "Listen sonny, I'm 80 years old. I don't want them for sex. I need them for getting me hard enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
Few people can go down Niagra Falls in a barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagra Falls in a carboard box.
Chuck Norris. Well thats all you need to know.