A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe, and the giraffe gets waay too drunk.
The bartender says, "Hey! you can't leave that lyin' there!"
The guy goes, "that's not a lion its a giraffe!"
Two guys on a double bike where pedaling up a hill.
It took forever to get to the top.
When they finally got to the top the first guy said in a pant, "Whew, that was so hard."
The second replied, "If I hadn't been pushing the brakes the whole time we would have rolled down backwards."
Q: What's the forecast for New Year's Eve?
A: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
NOTE: This joke is only for those who recently had a brain transplant.
DO NOT read ahead unless you don't mind being offended.
You're still reading this, aren't you, asshole?
Q: Why don't women wear watches?
A: There's a clock on the stove!
The hardest known subsatance in the universe is Chuck Norris's will.
Vote:
Religion is a lot more like politics.
The only difference is that with religion you get to confess your own sins.
Q: If there are two potheads in the back of a car, then who is driving?
A: The cop!
Dear Facebook,
Everytime I add a girl you ask me "Do you know her? Is she your sister?"
Yo moma so fat she jumped off the Grand Canon and got stuck.