A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir ." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. " Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don"t be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn"t have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you"re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn"t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you"re driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON"T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma"am?" "Only when he"s been drinking, officer."
A teenager is a hopeless romantic who never falls in love more then twice a week.
Yo mama so hairy when she went to space the aliens thought she was chubacco.
Q: Why have scientists started using lawyers for experiments instead of rats? A: They don't become so attached to the lawyers.
In the beautiful world of fantasy, holding hands is the first sign of true love. In college it means someone is too drunk to stand on their own.
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have? Plenty of milk.
Q: What do a gang member and a redneck have in common? A: They both know how to throw a good hoe down.
Knock Knock! Who's there? Zany Zany who? Zany body home?
Mummy, mummy, why is daddy swaying in the backyard? Shut up, and give me more bullets.
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man? A. "How do you breathe through something so small?"