Lou Gehrig considered himself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth, no one knew that it was because he was soon getting away from Chuck Norris.
Yo' mama so poor, she fills her ice trays with toilet water!
Cow: "Why don't you shoo those flies?" Bull: "I ll let them go barefoot!"
First Kangaroo: What do you call it when giraffes moving one way get mixed up with giraffes moving another way? Second Kangaroo: A giraffic jam.
Our body cells renew while asleep. If only our wallets could do the same.
What powerful reptile is found in the Sydney opera house? The Lizard of Oz.
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye." The bartender says, "Yeah, right! I've never seen anyone do that!" So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says, "I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye." Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, "I just saw you walk in here you can't be blind!" So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays him his money and he walks away.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep? A stripey sweater.
A length of rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says "get out, we don't serve ropes in here!" The rope goes outside and cuts himself in half and ties his two sections together. Not pleased with his appearance, he takes a comb and combs out his ends. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says "hey, aren't you that rope I just kicked out?" And the rope replied "no, I'm a frayed knot."
What do you call explosive cow vomit? A cud missle.