A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye." The bartender says, "Yeah, right! I've never seen anyone do that!" So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says, "I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye." Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, "I just saw you walk in here you can't be blind!" So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays him his money and he walks away.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn? Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.
How come the village Guy Fawkes won the Nobel Peace Prize? Cause he was outstanding in his field.
Cow: "Why don't you shoo those flies?" Bull: "I ll let them go barefoot!"
What weighs 35 tons, has four fuzzy ears and is 80 million years old? Two rabbits riding a brontosaurus.
A length of rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says "get out, we don't serve ropes in here!" The rope goes outside and cuts himself in half and ties his two sections together. Not pleased with his appearance, he takes a comb and combs out his ends. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says "hey, aren't you that rope I just kicked out?" And the rope replied "no, I'm a frayed knot."
Exasperated dragon on the field of battle: "Mother said there would be knights like this."
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
First Kangaroo: What do you call it when giraffes moving one way get mixed up with giraffes moving another way? Second Kangaroo: A giraffic jam.
What happened to the skunk who failed his swimming lesson? He stank to the bottom of the pool.