Me and my wife decided that we don't want to have children anymore.
So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one.
Vote:
A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time.
She wanted to see the Capitol building.
Unfortunately, she couldn’t find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, “Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?”
The officer replied, “Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus.
It’ll take you right there.”
She thanked the officer and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said, “Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus.
That was three hours ago.
Why are you still waiting?”
The blonde replied, “Don’t worry, officer, it won’t be long now.
The 45th bus just went by!”
What do dinosaurs put on their floors?
Rep-tiles.
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement.
Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Your momma is so ugly she made One Direction go another direction.
Q: What's a terrorists favorite American football team?
A: The New York Jets.
Vote:
A preacher was giving a sermon to a full church when all of a sudden the devil appeared.
He was menacing and threatening and the entire congregation started to flee the church except for one old man.
When the church was empty the devil went up to the man and asked "aren’t you afraid of me, I’m evil incarnate, the most horrific being in the universe and will most likely torture you!"
The man replied "You don’t scare me, I’ve been married to your sister for 35 years."
How do you know when a Barbie has her period?
All your tic tacks are gone.
Dad tries to persuade his son to eat the egg he has prepared for him:
"Eat your egg my child to become as big as daddy!"
"I do not want," says the little one.
"Eat it my boy to become strong and powerful."
"I’m telling you, no!" insists the youngest.
"My dear son eat your egg to make your bird grow."
And the mom from the inside "George, you eat the egg… I’ll make burgers for the kid!"
George meets a genie in the street, which tells him to make a wish and it will make it true.
"I want to pee whiskey," he says.
“But are you sure? You can ask for money, wealth, anything you want."
"No I want to pee whiskey."
The genie thinks what can it do, it makes his wish true.
George goes home, calls his wife, Sue: "Woman, get nuts and two glasses."
Curious she was, she brings them.
"What do you want them? She asks him. Once we don’t have any drinks."
From now on, we will both have as much whiskey as we want, says to her.
And really he fills the two glasses with whiskey.
They clink, drink one, drink two drinks, make some fun … and play a little game.
The other night the same happen.
"Woman, bring two glasses and nuts."
So they spend their evenings.
One night, however, the scene changed.
"Woman, bring nuts and a cup."
"A, for one?"
"You will drink from the bottle today."