Q: How do you know your doctor is a vampire?
A: He draws your blood from your neck with a straw!
My New Years resolution is 1080p.
Vote:
When I offer you food it's just because my mother raised me right.
As a firend, read the truth in my eyes and politely decline.
Vote:
A little kid's in school, taking a true-false test and he's flipping a coin.
At the end of the test he's flipping the coin again.
The teacher says, "What are you doing?"
He says, "Checking my answers."
Too stupid to understand science?
Try religion!
Texan: "Where are you from?"
Harvard Graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end sentences with prepositions."
Texan: "Okay — where are you from, jackass?"
Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money.
I shall be everlastingly in your debt.
Harry: That's what I'm afraid of!
Yo momma is so fat that when she went to the beach a whale swam up and sang, "We are family, even though you're fatter than me."
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers yet.
"Yes, teacher," he said, "my dad taught me."
"Good, Johnny.
Tell me what comes after two," the teacher said.
"Three," replied little Johnny.
"Very good.
What comes after five, Johnny?" asked the teacher.
"Six," answered little Johnny.
"Excellent.
Your dad did a very good job.
Now, what comes after ten?" the teacher asked.
"A Jack!" replied little Johnny.
Vote:
Teacher: What's 2 and 2?
Pupil: 4
Teacher: That's good.
Pupil: Good? That's perfect!