Based on statistics, the most used s*xual position among married couples is doggy style...
The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, “Harry what is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!”
The teacher had had enough.
She took Harry to the principal’s office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
The teacher agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Harry: “9″.
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Harry: “36″.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the third-grade.”
The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?”
The principal and Harry both agree.
The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Harry, after a moment, “Legs.”
Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Harry replied, “Pockets.”
Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Harry: “Pants”
Teacher: "What’s starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Harry: Coconut
The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"
The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Shake hands"
Teacher: "Now I will ask some “Who am I sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yep."
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first."
Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Harry: "Wedding Ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
Harry: "Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Harry: "Arrow"
Teacher: "What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself.”
Once chuck norris and time had race.
Result: The time is still running.
Vote:
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.
The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.
But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear."
Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle.
He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it.
Where did I get this blackeye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties.
Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
My colleague said to me, "I bet you can't see your dick when you look down in the shower."
"No, just your daughter's head," I replied.
Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment.
And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50.
Mum: "How would you describe me?"
Dad: "ABCDEFGHIJK"
Mum: "What does that mean?"
Dad: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, funny, graceful, helpful, intelligent."
Mum: "What about JK?"
Dad: "Just Kidding."
Vote:
The following conversation took place between a husband and wife:
Wife: How many women have u slept with?
Husband: Only you darling, I was awake with the other women.
An elderly couple are in church.
The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart.
What should I do?"
The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"