Little Johnny and his two friends are sitting on the front porch one day.
The first one says, "My Daddy is so cool he can eat four Burgers at one meal."
The second one says, "That's nothing.
My Daddy can eat six."
Little Jonny starts laughing and says, "My Daddy can eat light bulbs."
The other two boys tell Jonny that he is out of his mind.
They ask him why he thinks His daddy can eat light bulbs.
Little Jonny replies, "Last night I was passing my parents room and my Daddy said, 'Honey, turn out that light I want to eat that thing.'"
Vote:
An elderly couple are in church.
The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart.
What should I do?"
The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"
I play the worlds most dangerous sport.
I disagree with my wife.
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that.
I am an asthmatic.
If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac.
If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either.
I am also a diabetic.
If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunk to do that."
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Vote:
Wife: I'm leaving you.
Me: Is it because I act like I know everything?
Wife: Yes.
Me: I knew it.
Teacher: "Can you tell the name of 3 great Kings who have brought happpines and peace into people lives?"
Student: " Smo-king", Drin-king and Fuc-king"
Teacher: And therefore, sperm cells are made up of glucose.
Student: So you're saying that sperm has sugar in it?
Teacher: Technically. Yes.
Student: But it doesn't even taste like that...
Teacher: what?
Student: what?
Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you’re in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I’d like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I’d like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I’d like to hear them say…… look at him, he's moving!"