Chuck Norris doesn't push someone out of the way of a car, he pushes the car out of the way of the person.
A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks. For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from Phantom of the opera. "When you and I get out of here," the jailbird said to the fly "we’re going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune." Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate. At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started moonwalking. "What about this fly, eh?" he said to the bartender. In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the newspaper The edmonton sun, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe. "Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are everywhere."
Yo mama so ugly, they use her picture to scare kids straight.
Friendly reminder that Adele and Taylor Swift are the same age, yet one is pregnant and another stuck in middle school.
I'm like Domino's Pizza. If I don't come in 30 minutes, the next one is free.
What do you call a brunette between two blondes? Translator.
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
Chuck Norris is in every action film ever made but sometimes he only shows up as EXPLOSIONS.
Ozzy Osbourne once accidentally bit the head off a live bat - Chuck Norris once deliberately bit the head off a live pterodactyl.
Ghosts actually have their own kind of tv. The show that scares them the most is called "Chuck Norris Caught On Tape".