Nails wish they were as tough as Chuck Norris.
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Lady goes to her doc.
"Doc, I have quite the problem. I can't control my gas. All day long I'm farting and farting. The only good news is they are the 'silent but deadly' type.
The Doc pauses for a moment and replies, "first let's get you fitted for a hearing aid."
Two protons walk into the bar and run into each other.
One of them falls down.
"Are you OK?" asks the other.
"I think so," says the proton.
"You sure?" the other asks.
"Yeah," says the proton..."I'm positive."
When Chuck Norris eats teddy grahams, he craps out grizzly bears.
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If you want a list of Chuck Norri's enemies, just check the extinct species list.
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Q: Why did Captain Kirk piss on the roof of the Enterprise?
A: To boldly go where no man has gone before.
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Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
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Q: What's the difference between a brown-noser and a sh*thead?
A: Depth perception.
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The Terminator said, "I'll be back" because he saw Chuck Norris was coming.
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Patient: "Doctor, I can’t sleep."
Doctor: "Lie at of edge of your bed and you will sleep off."