A schoolteacher was arrested today at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, the Home Secretary said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks.
For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect.
It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from Phantom of the opera.
"When you and I get out of here," the jailbird said to the fly "we’re going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune."
Finally the day arrived.
Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate.
At the bar, he brought out his trick fly.
On cue, it started moonwalking.
"What about this fly, eh?" he said to the bartender.
In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the newspaper The edmonton sun, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe.
"Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are everywhere."
Yo momma is so old, they use strands of her hair to carbon date dinosaur fossils.
Yo mama so ugly, they use her picture to scare kids straight.
Kim Kardashian use to be 8 feet tall until Chuck Norris uppercut both her feet and that is why her ass is so big.
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Chuck Norris only works out once a year... that's about all the gym equipment can take.
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Q: What do you call a pothead that doesn't inhale?
A: Mr. President.
Yo mama is so dirty when she jumped in the bath water the water jumped out and said "No I'm good."
I was married to a Gemini she caught me cheating on her with herself.
Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. Chuck Norris can see in the dark.
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