Q: Why do Jews have so big noses?
A: Because the air is free.
Marge was cheating on her husband with another man when they heard a noise on the stairs.
"Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"
"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he's not going to notice you."
Sure enough, Marge's husband crawled into bed, but as he pulled up the covers, he exposed six feet.
"Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."
The husband got out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. By damn, you're right, dear."
Chuck Norris can drive a solar-powered car at night.
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I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Q:Where do you find giant snails?
A:On the ends of their fingers.
Billy was excited about his first day at school.
So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.
So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.
Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can’t find it," he admitted.
The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now.
Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and went on his way.
A short while later he returned to the class room and said to the teacher "I still can’t find it."
Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who had been at the school for awhile, to help Billy find the bathroom.
So Tommy and Billy left the classroom together and five minutes later they both return and sat down at their seats.
The teacher asked Tommy "Well, did you find it?"
Tommy was quick with his reply. "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."
Chuck Norris haunts ghosts.
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Two young men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
Ole says to the Sven "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"
Sven replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"
Ole says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren’t very expensive. At this price, I’m buying one.”
Sven smiles and pats him on the back, "Good idea! Order one and if she’s as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."
Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?"
Ole replies, "No, but it shouldn’t be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"
It is a fact that Chuck Norris cannot cry, this is because his tearducts are too muscular.
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