Chuck Norris only works out once a year... that's about all the gym equipment can take.
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Yo mama so ugly, they use her picture to scare kids straight.
Kim Kardashian use to be 8 feet tall until Chuck Norris uppercut both her feet and that is why her ass is so big.
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Q: What do you call a pothead that doesn't inhale?
A: Mr. President.
Yo mama is so dirty when she jumped in the bath water the water jumped out and said "No I'm good."
I was married to a Gemini she caught me cheating on her with herself.
Marge was cheating on her husband with another man when they heard a noise on the stairs.
"Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"
"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he's not going to notice you."
Sure enough, Marge's husband crawled into bed, but as he pulled up the covers, he exposed six feet.
"Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."
The husband got out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. By damn, you're right, dear."
Chuck Norris can drive a solar-powered car at night.
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It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Q:Where do you find giant snails?
A:On the ends of their fingers.