How can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day? Her tampon is behind her ear and she can’t find her pencil.
Sue and Sally were discussing their sex lives. Sue said, "Mine's OK. We get it on every week, but it's no big adventure. How's yours?" Sally replied, "It's great ever since we got into S&M." Sue was surprised. "Really, Sally, I never would have guessed that you'd go for that." "Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."
Two condoms are walking down the street when they walk by a gay bar. One condom says to the other, "Hey man, you wanna get shit-faced?"
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responds the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
Q: What is a difference between Ooooh and Aaaah? A: Only 3 inches.
A young couple get between the sheets for the first time. In a flash it’s over. The boy says, ‘If I’d known you were a virgin I’d have taken more time.’ His girlfriend replies, ‘If I’d known you were going to take more time I’d have taken off my tights.’
A businessman was about to go on a long business trip, and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone. So to prevent this, he visited the local sex shop in order to buy his wife a vibrator to keep her occupied in his absence. After examining the products, he hadn't found an appropriately amazing vibrator and asked the store clerk for help. The store clerk recommended the "Voodoo D**k." "How does it work?" asked the businessman. The clerk unwrapped the Voodoo D**k from its ceremonial tiki box and said to it, "Voodoo D**k that door." The vibrator flew out of the box and attacked the door with such vigor that the door split in half. "Fantastic," said the man. "I'll take it!" He instructed his wife on how to use the Voodoo D**k and left on his business trip. Soon, his wife decided to try it out and said the magic words: "Voodoo D**k my p***y." The Voodoo D**k flew out of the box and gave her orgasm after orgasm. But soon it became too much, and she couldn't figure out how to make it stop. So she got into her car and began driving to the hospital, swerving so much that she got pulled over by the police. The policeman asked her why she was driving so recklessly and she explained to him that she had a Voodoo D**k inside her that wouldn't leave her alone. The policeman looked at her skeptically and said, "Voodoo D**k, my ass."
Q: What do you call a roman warrior after oral sex? A: Gladiator.
Q: What do Blondes say after sex? A1: Thanks Guys. A2: Are you boys all in the same band? A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?
Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!" "Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President. "I do need your help" said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms as soon as possible to tide us over?" "Why certainly! I'll get right on it,"said Bush. "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin. "Yes?" "Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin. "No problem," replied the President. Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything. George hung up and called the President of a condom company. "I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia." "Consider it done," said the president of the condom company. "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide." "Easily done. Anything else?" "Yeah," said the President, "print 'Made in America, size small' on each one!"
While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man’s balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the missing testicle with a pickled onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. “How’s your sex life?” asked the doctor. “Pretty good,” the man said, to the doctor’s obvious relief. But then the patient added, “I’ve had some strange side effects that are causing serious problems.” “What’s that?” the doctor asked anxiously. “Well, every time I urinate, my eyes water.” “Hmm,” said the doctor, thoughtfully. “That’s not all,” continued the patient. “When my wife does me orally, she gets heartburn.” “Hmm,” said the doctor, as his face reddened. “It gets worse, Doc. Now, every time I pass a hamburger stand….I get an erection!”