I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
I busted a mirror the other day. That's seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
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A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world.
After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart.
He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.
The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
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I can't tell if I'm depressed or just an adult.
What do you call an accountant with an opinion?
An auditor.
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An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
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A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.
The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?”
“I was stung by a bee!” she said.
“Where?” he asked.
“Between the first and second hole.” she replied.
He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
Yo momma so stupid, when I told her that she lost her mind, she went looking for it.
Q: Why can't Mexicans play Uno?
A: They always steal the green cards.
A priest asks Johnny if he's scared of Satan.
Little Johnny says "I have nothing to be scared of you are the one that must be scared; you talk crap about him every Sunday..."
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