John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
“Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks.
“Not really,” says Mary.
“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.
“No,” she responds.
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a, “No thanks.”
Frustrated he finally asks, “Well what would you like for your anniversary?”
“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.
John thinks for a moment and replies “Sorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”
A man left for work one Friday afternoon.
Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.
When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
At a government affair, the wives of four world leaders are chatting about how people refer to a penis in their countries.
The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.
The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.
The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.
With great resignation, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth…
Yo Momma So Fat The Only Letters She Knows In The Alphabet Are K.F.C!
Yo momma’s so ugly, the army doesn’t use guns any more – they use her picture.
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it.
A man didn't come home 1 night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friends house.
The wife called her husband's 10 best friends.
8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.
Three couples are having a picnic.
One man says to his wife, "Pass me the honey, honey."
The second man says to his wife, "Pass me the sugar, sugar."
Then the third man says to his wife, "Pass me the bacon, pig."
A man is staying in a hotel. He walks up to the front desk and says, "Sorry ma'am, I forgot what room I'm in, can you help me?"
The receptionist replies, "No problem, sir. This is the lobby."
A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey.
He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit.
He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny.
He gets to the point where he can't stand it anymore.
So he decides to try and have s*x with the donkey.
He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey.
But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away.
Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again.
He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again.
Now the man is getting frustrated.
As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision.
A beautiful, naked woman appears out of nowhere.
She approaches the stunned man, who until recently, believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles.
She smiles at him and says, "I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have."
"Anything?" he says, getting fairly excited.
"Yes, anything." she replies.
So he says, "Will you hold the donkey?"
During the Cold War days, a Russian pilot is captured by the US Army and locked up for interrogation.
US interrogator: "Tell us about the plans of the MiG-50 Fighter!"
Russian pilot: "I don't know" He is beaten up, then he's interrogated again...
US interrogator: "Tell us about the plans of the MiG-50 fighter!"
Russian pilot: "I have no idea about anything, I swear!"
He is beaten up again, then again and again, and finally the Americans get tired of interrogating him, so they let him go back to Russia. In Russia, when he first meets his pilot comrades, he tells them:
"Comrades, learn the MiG-50 plans well, 'cause the Americans almost had me killed for not knowing them!"