Best jokes ever

Q: What do you call money that grows on trees? A: Marijuana

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!” The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down! She loaded her bags into the car and then drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, about 75, and carrying a large handgun.

An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, composed of those bar-room heroes, the Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman. He walks up and says “I’m the best musician in the world. I can play any instrument you like”. So the English guy goes “Alright then. Play this” and hands him a guitar. The octopus plays it better than Jimi Hendrix, better than Chuck Berry, better than anyone and hands him back the guitar. The Irishman says “Okay, how about this?” and shows him to the piano. The octopus sits down and plays it like never before – Better than Jerry Lee Lewis and Elton John. The best pianist ever. Finally, a Scotsman says “Alright, let’s see ya play this then” and hands him a set of bagpipes. The octopus looks at them and fumbles with them. Couple more minutes and he’s still struggling and there’s no sound coming out. Couple more minutes and still nothing so the Scotsman says “Oh, so can you not play it then?” And the octopus says “Play it? I’m gonna f*ck her when I get her pyjamas off”

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 95%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, “I'll take that bet!” Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend. I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money." The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

Coworker: Can you help me with this project? Me: The short answer is no. Coworker: What's the long answer? Me: Nooooooo.

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha­­! That's not going to help," she said. "Sure, it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.

A man goes inside a pet shop and starts to move around the cages to scout the pets. He sees a monkey with a price of 5000$ and goes to the merchant to ask for details. Hey mister, the monkey…what does it know to worth that much money? Well, it knows Windows 95, 98, 2000, and also knows Word, C++, Visual Basic and last but not least, it knows how to play computer games. - Good monkey, it's worth the money. He goes and finds another monkey with a price of 10000$ and again he will ask the merchant. "What does this monkey know?" "It knows Linux, Unix, Corel and Autocad." "Nice, even I don't know those things." On a last scout run he finds another monkey just sitting there with a price 20000$. The story repeats, and he goes with a lack of confidence to ask the merchant for details. "And what does this monkey do for that ridiculous amount of money?" "I never saw her doing anything, but the other two call her Project Manager!"

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click." "Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle." "What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."