My kid and I were in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinal to his right, my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims, "Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot bigger than yours!"
The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me.
So I put my hand around my kid and told him
"Well son, that's because daddy isn't aroused by men." 
Q: A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in fifth grade. Who has the biggest tits?
A: The blonde, because she's 18.
Little Johnny's class is reviewing the alphabet.
His teacher knows that he has an "advanced" vocabulary for his age, so she avoids calling on him.
When the teacher asks for a word beginning with "A," Little Johnny raises his hand.
The teacher anticipates he'll say, "ass" so she calls on Mary Lou, who says "apple."
This continues because the teacher knows that Little Johnny knows a cuss word for every letter of the alphabet.
Then she gets to "R." She can't think of any cuss words that begin with R, so she calls on Johnny.
He exclaims, "R is for rats big f**king rats, with 12-inch c**ks!"
Vote:
You are so old, the candles on your birthday cake raised earths temperature by 3 degrees.
Yo' Mama is so old, she dreams in black and white.
Hey, you wanna do a 68?
You go down on me, and I'll owe you one.
Yo mama is so old in her time Burger King was know as Burger Prince.
A guy walks into a bar and announces that he can close his eyes and name what kind of alcohol he is drinking and how old it is, just by taste and smell.
A drunken guy at the bar says, "I bet I can give you a drink that you can't name."
"You're on," replies the guy, "as long as you pay."
So the drunken guy puts a drink on the table.
The guy sips it, gags and spits it out.
"This tastes like piss!"
"Yeah," says the drunken guy, "now guess how old I am."
I took a day off from work to play golf. I was on the fourth hole, when I discovered a small frog sitting on the green.
I paid it no attention until I heard, "Ribbit. 9-iron."
That's curious, I thought, but decided to trust the frog.
I pulled out a 9-iron and sunk a hole-in-one.
Amazed, I picked up the frog and asked where we should go next.
"Ribbit. Vegas."
We went to Vegas, and I asked the frog what we should do first.
"Ribbit. Roulette."
We went up to the roulette table, and I won big.
I took my earnings and got the best room in the hotel.
I asked the frog if there was anything I could do to repay it.
"Ribbit. Kiss me."
I figured, what the hell, and I kissed the frog.
It turned into a 15-year-old girl.
That's how she ended up in my room, your Honor, and if I'm lying, my name's not R. Kelly.
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COP: "When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least."
LADY: "You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old.”