My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
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A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.
"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.
But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.
This is my position, and I will not compromise."
A drunk man comes inside a bar and says, "Happy New Year everybody." and the waiter says, "We are in June you drunk man."
And the drunk man says, "Oh my god my wife is going to kill me I have never been so late in my life!"
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Señor, I would like the worlds best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I?d like the best beer in the world, give me ?
The King of Beers,? a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "Id like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why arent you drinking a Molsons?"
The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys arent drinking beer, neither would I."
You don't have to wait until midnight to see my balls drop.
What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?
A drunk goes to work.
A rather drunk man was walking along the street one day.
He was staggering quite a bit and made two nuns that were approaching him, very nervous.
The two nuns split apart and one walked to the man's left and one walked to the man's right.
After the nuns were past the man, he turned around and said, "Now how the hell did she do that?"
He’s donating his body to science.
And he’s preserving it in alcohol until they can use it.
A motorcycle cop pulls over a driver.
‘Have you been drinking, sir?’ says the cop.
‘Why?’ says the driver.
‘Is there a fat chick in my car?’
A bra and a set of jumper leads walked into a bar and asked for two tui's the bar man said"sorry i cant serve you."
the bra and jumper leads answered back"why not" the bar man said"your off your tits and you lock like your about to start something".