My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
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A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.
"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.
But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.
This is my position, and I will not compromise."
A drunk man comes inside a bar and says, "Happy New Year everybody." and the waiter says, "We are in June you drunk man."
And the drunk man says, "Oh my god my wife is going to kill me I have never been so late in my life!"
This woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh.
The tatoo artist say thats an unusual request. "Why do you want two tattoos there?"
So she says "Because my husband needs to eat between christmas and new years."
Q: What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve?
A: I haven't seen you for a year!
Vote:
What do you get when you cross a bunny with an orange?
A pip squeak.
Chuck starts the new year by roundhouse kicking the old one.
Vote:
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'
The grasshopper looks surprised and says, 'You have a drink named Steve?'
Q: What does it mean if you were born in September?
A: That your parents started the new year with a bang!
Q: What do New Year's Parades have in common with Santa Claus?
A: No one is awake to see either of them.
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made all the appetisers herself and we have a caterer coming in to provide plenty of sandwiches and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you properly prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."