Joke #11584

My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
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A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."
Vote: has 66.96 % from 35 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, money, new year, political, tax
A drunk man comes inside a bar and says, "Happy New Year everybody." and the waiter says, "We are in June you drunk man." And the drunk man says, "Oh my god my wife is going to kill me I have never been so late in my life!"
Vote: has 65.20 % from 47 votes. Send joke:
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A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns to her and says "Hey how bout it. You and me, gettin it on. I've got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money." She stands up and says, "What makes you think I charge by the inch."
Vote: has 36.51 % from 16 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, bar, beauty, money, women
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks "He can drink?" "Oh, sure. He can drink." So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?" The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?" The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"
Vote: has 67.10 % from 50 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender, money
Ring out the old, ring in the new, Ring, happy bells, across the snow: The year is going, let him go; Ring out the false, ring in the true.
Vote: has 41.82 % from 24 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: new year, poems, winter
Two drunk Americans were speeding down a deserted road in the Philippines Drunk1: Are there any penguins in the tropics? Drunk2: I don't think so. Drunk1: Then I think we just squished a nun!
Vote: has 39.90 % from 9 votes. Send joke:
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Chuck starts the new year by roundhouse kicking the old one.
Vote: has 54.59 % from 16 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: Chuck Norris, new year
My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.
Vote: has 75.97 % from 22 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: friendship, new year
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
Vote: has 46.10 % from 8 votes. Send joke:
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Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.
Vote: has 19.07 % from 29 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol