Joke #3338

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Señor, I would like the worlds best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I?d like the best beer in the world, give me ? The King of Beers,? a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "Id like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why arent you drinking a Molsons?" The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys arent drinking beer, neither would I."

A man walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the guy started to leave. "Excuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what the guy had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing", said the guy, "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

Drinking a non-alcoholic beer is like muffing your sister, it tastes the same but something's not right about it.

Two frat boys were lost at sea aboard a life raft. On the fourth day, a mermaid came out of nowhere and offered to grant them one wish. The frat boys thought hard until one shouted, "I wish the ocean was a sea of beer." And their wish came true. After they swam and drank in the sea of beer, the other boy shouted, "great, now we have to pee in the boat!"

Liquor may be a slow poison, but who’s in a hurry?

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

A guy who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "It looks like you've had quite a few drinks this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "That a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

A young guy walks into a bar. An old drunk sits with a shoe box on the stool next to him. The guy asks, "What's in the box?" The older guy says matter-of-factly, "A South American Blow Job Toad." The young guy looks around. "Can I try it?" The older guy nods. The young guy goes to the men's room and returns 20 minutes later. "That was amazing," he says, "You've got to sell it to me." The old drunk concedes to sell the toad for a hefty sum. The happy young man struts home and meets his wife at the door. "Where the hell have you been? What's in the box?" she demands. "South American Blow Job Toad." "So?" asks the wife. "So, teach it to cook and get the f**k out."

A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."

Sign seen in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."

This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shirt mate?" The man replies, "David Jones." This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes "Where'd you get the great pants mate?" The man replies, " David Jones." This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and sock on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shoes and socks mate?" The man replies, "David Jones." Then this 4th guy runs in naked and the bartender goes, "Look Who the hell are you mate?" And the naked guy says, "I'm David Jones!"