The best alcohol jokes

It’s night and a drunk is crawling along the pavement looking for something. A passer-by offers to help and asks what’s missing. The drunk replies that he’s lost his watch. ‘And where abouts did you lose it?’ asks the passer-by. ‘About half a mile up the road,’ replies the drunk. ‘So why are you doing down here?’ asks the passer-by. The drunk replies, ‘Down here the lighting is better.’
Vote:
has 27.32 % from 5 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
Why has Guinness got a white head on it? So when you’re drunk you know which end to start on.
Vote:
has 27.32 % from 5 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
He drank so much beer that when he ate a peanut you could hear the splash.
Vote:
has 27.32 % from 5 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
What would you call a drunk who works at an upholstery shop? A recovering alcoholic.
Vote:
has 27.32 % from 5 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
Three guys were standing at the top of the Empire State Building in NYC. The first guy says to the second, "You know, the wind currents are so strong here in NYC that one could step off the edge of the building and literally float in mid-air due to the upward thrust of the thermal air current." "No way, man, you’re crazy," said the second guy to the first. So the first guy steps off the edge of the building and justs floats in mid-air for about 20 seconds and then returns to the roof of the building. The second guy is simply thrilled and says, "watch me do that" as he steps from the edge roof into the open air. Of course he falls like a stone straight down all the way to the waiting pavement below–SPLAT! The third guy, who has remained quiet the entire time, leans over to the first guy and say, "You know something Superman, sometimes you can be a real a*shole!"
Vote:
has 27.32 % from 5 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet A: A Budweiser in each hand!
Vote:
has 27.24 % from 18 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, beer
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. "You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have." The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
Vote:
has 27.24 % from 18 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender, money
A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club. "You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.
Vote:
has 26.98 % from 10 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bartender, beer, golf
Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox? A: About eight beers.
Vote:
has 26.98 % from 10 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, animal, beer
A dazzling woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy. Are you the manager? she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, No”, he replies. Can you get him for me I need to speak to him. She is running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. I’m afraid that I can’t, breathes the barman, clearly aroused. Is there anything I can do? “Yes, there is”. I need you to give him a message, she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. “Tell him that there is no Toilet Paper in the ladies room.”
Vote:
has 26.98 % from 10 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar
<<<50515253
More jokes →
Page 50 of 58.