The best alcohol jokes

Q: What do you get when you mix English class with alcohol? A: Tequila Mockingbird
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has 28.61 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, school
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over. "Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
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has 28.61 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
She only drinks to forget she drinks.
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has 28.61 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
A pirate walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender walks over to him and says "Hey, I couldn't help but notice when you walked in. Is that a steering wheel hung between your legs?" "Aye!" replied the pirate, "And it's drivin' me nuts!"
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has 28.45 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, pirate
There once was two people Lisa and Brian They got married and had a child. The only problem was that the child was only a head, he had no arms, legs or torso. So all his life he was picked on and teased and he always wished he had a body. So when he turned 21 his dad took him to a bar and let him have his first beer ever. When he drank a whole bottle an arm popped out. When he drank more bottles more body parts popped out. After drinking many beers he finally had a whole body. As they left the bar, he was very drunk and was hit by a bus and he died. The moral of the story "Quit while you're a head."
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has 28.38 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, kids, life, marriage
Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!" The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".
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has 27.71 % from 15 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, animal, bar, dog, drunk
Yo mama so fat she died.
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has 27.58 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, death, fat, insulting
Three guys were standing at the top of the Empire State Building in NYC. The first guy says to the second, "You know, the wind currents are so strong here in NYC that one could step off the edge of the building and literally float in mid-air due to the upward thrust of the thermal air current." "No way, man, you’re crazy," said the second guy to the first. So the first guy steps off the edge of the building and justs floats in mid-air for about 20 seconds and then returns to the roof of the building. The second guy is simply thrilled and says, "watch me do that" as he steps from the edge roof into the open air. Of course he falls like a stone straight down all the way to the waiting pavement below–SPLAT! The third guy, who has remained quiet the entire time, leans over to the first guy and say, "You know something Superman, sometimes you can be a real a*shole!"
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has 27.32 % from 5 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful. "Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?" "Nobody gave them to me," said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."
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has 27.32 % from 5 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
What a barman! When I asked for something tall, cold and full of gin, he called his wife out.
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has 27.32 % from 5 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
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