The best alcohol jokes

A very short painter walks into a Parisian bar and offers to buy his friend a drink. His friend, rushing out of the door, shouts, ‘Can’t stop now, no time Toulouse.’
Vote:
has 29.01 % from 7 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says, "you ain't from around here...where you from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender asks, "Whatchu do up in Pennsylvania?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist...what the hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says, "I mount dead animals." The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us."
Vote:
has 29.01 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.'
Vote:
has 29.01 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."
Vote:
has 28.61 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender, money
Three women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant. The burnette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other to asked how. She replied, "Well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a baby boy". The red head said, "If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved. The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".
Vote:
has 28.61 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, baby, bar, blonde, ginger
She only drinks to forget she drinks.
Vote:
has 28.61 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
Yo mama so fat she died.
Vote:
has 27.74 % from 29 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, death, fat, insulting
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie. You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. You ever cut your grass and found a car. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner. You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'. You own a homemade fur coat. The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You can get dog hair from out of your belly button. The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction. People hear your car a long time before they see it.
Vote:
has 27.71 % from 15 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, car, drunk, kids, wife
An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"
Vote:
has 27.71 % from 15 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender
A blonde, a priest, a doctor, a nurse, a brunette, a redhead, a lawyer, a rabbi, a musician, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant, a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinaman, an Irishman, an Englishman an American, A Russian, an Iraqi, Hilary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Sarah Palin, George W Bush, Osama Bin laden and Barack Obama walked into a bar. The barman said, "Hang on a minute, is this some sort of joke?"
Vote:
has 27.63 % from 50 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, blonde, lawyer, nurse, priest
<<<49505152
More jokes →
Page 49 of 58.