Why has Guinness got a white head on it?
So when you’re drunk you know which end to start on.
He drank so much beer that when he ate a peanut you could hear the splash.
What would you call a drunk who works at an upholstery shop?
A recovering alcoholic.
Three guys were standing at the top of the Empire State Building in NYC.
The first guy says to the second, "You know, the wind currents are so strong here in NYC that one could step off the edge of the building and literally float in mid-air due to the upward thrust of the thermal air current."
"No way, man, you’re crazy," said the second guy to the first.
So the first guy steps off the edge of the building and justs floats in mid-air for about 20 seconds and then returns to the roof of the building.
The second guy is simply thrilled and says, "watch me do that" as he steps from the edge roof into the open air.
Of course he falls like a stone straight down all the way to the waiting pavement below–SPLAT!
The third guy, who has remained quiet the entire time, leans over to the first guy and say, "You know something Superman, sometimes you can be a real a*shole!"
Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet
A: A Budweiser in each hand!
Q: What do you get when you mix English class with alcohol?
A: Tequila Mockingbird
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly.
"How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
An Irish man walks into a bar.
The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants.
"Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?"
"Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes.
He is obviously drunk.
So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times.
They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man.
He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"
A drunk staggers in a Catholic church late one night and collapses in the confessional.
Next morning he’s awoken by the sound of the priest entering the cubicle next to him.
The priest addresses him through the grille.
‘Good morning, my son.
What can I do for you?’
‘You got here just in time,’ replies the drunk.
‘Could you pass over some toilet paper?’