The best alcohol jokes

He doesn’t like to drink. It’s just something to do while he gets drunk.
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has 27.32 % from 5 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
I drink to steady my nerves. Last night I got so steady I couldn’t move.
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has 27.32 % from 5 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
It’s night and a drunk is crawling along the pavement looking for something. A passer-by offers to help and asks what’s missing. The drunk replies that he’s lost his watch. ‘And where abouts did you lose it?’ asks the passer-by. ‘About half a mile up the road,’ replies the drunk. ‘So why are you doing down here?’ asks the passer-by. The drunk replies, ‘Down here the lighting is better.’
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has 27.32 % from 5 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
Why has Guinness got a white head on it? So when you’re drunk you know which end to start on.
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has 27.32 % from 5 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
He drank so much beer that when he ate a peanut you could hear the splash.
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has 27.32 % from 5 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
What would you call a drunk who works at an upholstery shop? A recovering alcoholic.
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has 27.32 % from 5 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie. You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. You ever cut your grass and found a car. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner. You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'. You own a homemade fur coat. The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You can get dog hair from out of your belly button. The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction. People hear your car a long time before they see it.
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has 27.24 % from 18 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, car, drunk, kids, wife
Three women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant. The burnette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other to asked how. She replied, "Well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a baby boy". The red head said, "If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved. The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".
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has 27.24 % from 18 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, baby, bar, blonde, ginger
A bloke walks into a pub and sees Van Gogh standing at the bar. ‘Hi Van, can I get you a drink?’ ‘No, thanks, I got one ear.’
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has 27.24 % from 18 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
Q: What does a shot of Everclear and a Woman have in common? A: Both of them make men start talking nonsense!
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has 26.98 % from 10 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, men, women
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