There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunk.
The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another beer, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink.
The man leaves.
He walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer.
A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before.
The man leaves.
He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer.
The bartender is annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his bar.
He leaves.
He then comes in the BACK door, comes the the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him.
"I told you already, you are way to drunk, you can not have another beer! Get out of my bar!"
Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks, "Man, how many bars do you work at?"
Scientists have located the gene for alcoholism.
They found it at a party, talking way too loudly.
Q. How many night club bouncers does it take to throw someone down the stairs?
A. None! He fell.
Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet
A: A Budweiser in each hand!
A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks.
This beautiful lady sits down next to him.
He turns to her and says, "hey, how 'bout it. You and me, getting it on.
I've got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money."
She stands up and says, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry.
I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.
That's funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her too!
He’s such an alcoholic, when pink elephants get drunk, they see him.
What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?
A drunk goes to work.
A very short painter walks into a Parisian bar and offers to buy his friend a drink.
His friend, rushing out of the door, shouts, ‘Can’t stop now, no time Toulouse.’
The proprietor of the general store at the cross-roads had his place overrun by rats, and the damage was such that he offered a hundred dollars reward to anyone who would rid him of the pests.
A disreputable-appearing person turned up one morning, and announced that he was a professional rat-killer.
"Get to work," the store-keeper urged.
"I must have a pound of cheese," the killer declared.
When this had been provided:
"Now give me a quart of whiskey."
Equipped with the whiskey, the professional spoke briskly:
"Now show me the cellar."
An hour elapsed, and then the rat-catcher galloped up the cellar stairs and leaped into the store.
His face was red, the eyes glaring, and he shook his fists in defiance of the world at large, as he jumped high in air and shouted:
"Whoopee! I'm ready! bring on your rats!"