The best alcohol jokes

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed. That's funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her too!
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has 24.92 % from 8 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
Dick goes into a rough bar and orders a drink. A man sidles up to him and says, ‘I can see you’re a stranger in here.’ ‘Why, yes,’ says Dick. ‘How could you tell?’ The man replies, ‘You’ve taken your hand off your glass.’
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has 24.92 % from 8 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
He doesn’t drink anything stronger than pop. Mind you Pop will drink anything.
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has 24.92 % from 8 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
He’s such an alcoholic, when pink elephants get drunk, they see him.
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has 24.92 % from 8 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic? A drunk goes to work.
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has 24.92 % from 8 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
Why did the idiot put starch in his whisky? needed a stiff drink.
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has 24.92 % from 8 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
A very short painter walks into a Parisian bar and offers to buy his friend a drink. His friend, rushing out of the door, shouts, ‘Can’t stop now, no time Toulouse.’
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has 24.92 % from 8 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet? A: A Budweiser in each hand!
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has 24.26 % from 11 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, beer, food
A dazzling woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy. Are you the manager? she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, No”, he replies. Can you get him for me I need to speak to him. She is running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. I’m afraid that I can’t, breathes the barman, clearly aroused. Is there anything I can do? “Yes, there is”. I need you to give him a message, she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. “Tell him that there is no Toilet Paper in the ladies room.”
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has 24.26 % from 11 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar
There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunk. The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another beer, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink. The man leaves. He walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer. A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before. The man leaves. He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender is annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his bar. He leaves. He then comes in the BACK door, comes the the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him. "I told you already, you are way to drunk, you can not have another beer! Get out of my bar!" Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks, "Man, how many bars do you work at?"
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has 24.26 % from 11 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender, beer, drunk
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