Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife... When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
A man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police. The copper approaches him and politely asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?" "Why?" snorts the man. "Is there a fat bird in my car?"
A bear walks into a pub, and takes a huge bite out of the bar. ‘Get out!’ shouts the barman. ‘We don’t serve druggies.’ ‘But I’m not a druggie,’ replies the puzzled bear. ‘Yeah? Then what about the bar bit you ate?’
Two men were sitting at the top floor of the Empire State Building. One man says to the other.. "You know, if you jump out the window here, the force of the wind will blow you back in through the window on the 90th floor.." The other man says "fuck off, you're jokin aren't u?" The 1st man says "No, here.. I'll prove it" so he stands on the window ledge and jumps out.. and comes back in thru the 90th floor window.. The 2nd man says.. "That was just a one off" So he does it again.. and comes thru on the 90th floor.. runs back up and says "See, im telling the truth" The 2nd man says "Wow, im gonna do it then" he stands on the window ledge, jumps out and falls to his death. The barman says to the first man.. "You know, you're a cunt when you're drunk superman.
I may be a cold hearted and a unloving bitch, but I'm damn good at it How am I driving? Call 1800-KISS-MY-ASS I'm not an alcholic Alcoholics go to meetings I am a drunk NO FAT CHICKS! Dont laugh at my ride, your daughter may be in it! Horn broke watch for finger I'm not pshycotic, I cant read your mind. Keep staring I might do a trick. Chicks dig my ride. I found Jesus... he was behind the coach the whole time. I didn't sell my soal to satan...... but we did work out a rent to own deal. Dyslexic satan worshipers think they're worshipping Santa. I haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister. Everyone has the right to be stupid but you abuse the privlige. I smile because I have no Idea whats going on. Guys: just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one. STOP FOLLOWING ME, I don't know where I'm going.
Two men are sitting at a bar, slowly sipping their drinks. After a while, the first man approaches the other man, and sits next to him. "This place is great, isn't it?" he asks. The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger's remark, replies, "Why do you say that?" The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, "Follow me." The two of them walk over to a large window at the end of the room. The window faces out onto the street, 12 floors below. "Here's why." The first man throws open the window, and boldly steps out into thin air. But he remains aloft! "The air currents are great here!" he exclaims. "It's very relaxing." He floats back into the room. As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it. The second man, skeptical, peers out through the window - down to the pavement twelve stories below. He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up. Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swallows, closes his eyes, and steps out into thin air. He promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below. The first man grins and returns to the bar. Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits. "You know," he says, disgusted. "You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
Q: How many men does it take to open a Budweiser bottle? A: none. the lady should already have it open on the table!