I went to the movie theater the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dachshund.
It was a sad, funny kind of film.
In the sad part, the dachshund cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dachshund laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film.
After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.
"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said.
"That dachshund really seemed to enjoy the film."
The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book." 
Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves.
They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother.
"Well," said the first one, "I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills."
"I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her."
"I've got you both beat," said the third. "I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to."
A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons.
"Gerald - the house you bought was too big.
I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house.
Milton - the car is useless because I don't go anywhere because I'm too old.
But Robert - you know exactly what I like.
The chicken was delicious."
When is the best time to fake an orgasm?
When a rottweiler is humping your leg.
What color socks do bears wear?
(They don't wear socks, they have bear feet!)
Cats took many thousands of years to domesticate humans.
What do you if you're trapped inside a whale?
Run round and round till you're all pooped out!
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Why do police dogs lick their balls?
To get the taste of Nigger out their mouths.
Q: What was the last thing her husband said to her?
A: I'll feed the dog, you feed the fish.
Why doesn't Sweden export it's cattle?
It wants to keep it's Stockholm!
Sharks watch Chuck Norris week.
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