Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!" The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".
A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go." "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered. But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open toad!
What do frogs do with paper? Rip-it!
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Brontosnorus.
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
What did the dog say to the hot dog bun? "Are you pure bred?"
A rabbit went to the fortune-teller, “what do you see in my future?” asked the rabbit. “Very soon,” replied the fortune-teller, “you will meet a pretty young girl who will want to know everything about you.” “That’s great!” said the rabbit, hopping up and down. “But when will I meet her?” “Next week in science class,” said the fortune-teller.
The more people I meet, the more I like my cat.