The Teacher asked Little Johnny, "How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?" Little Johnny replied, "Just Don't bite any."
In Noah’s ark, on day 3 the animals could no longer hold their sexual desire, so they started having sex with one another. But Noah got really angry cause the Ark started shaking dangerously and he decided that it was time to put things in order. So he ordered that every male should get a card stating the name of his wife and the days they were allowed to mate. So they did… After a couple of days, during breakfast in the Ark’s cafeteria the monkey said to his wife: "You’ d better get ready ‘cause next Tuesday you’ll suffer cruelly!" The female monkey felt really ashamed because all of the animals heard her husband… The day after, the male monkey said to his wife again: "You’ d better get ready ‘cause next Tuesday you’ll suffer cruelly!" The female monkey feeling really confused, told Noah what had happened, so Noah called the male monkey in his office and asked for an explanation. “You kinky monkey! Why do you insist on disgracing your wife in front of all the other animals?” said Noah “I am not kinky sir”, said the monkey “I’m just warning her because I lost my card at a poker game and now the elephant has it…”
A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that." The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."
A punk rocker gets on the bus with green, yellow, purple and orange hair. An old guy sitting on the bus stares at him, and the punk says, "What's the matter, old man, didn't you ever do anything wild in your life?" And the old man says, "Yeah, one time I fucked a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid."
The seven dwarves are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the Pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say. He keeps asking the Pontiff questions about the church and, in particular, the nuns. "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" Grumpy asks. "No, my son, all of our nuns are at least five feet tall," smiles the Pope. "Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?" "I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?" "No reason," replies Grumpy. "But you're positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, maybe two-and-a-half feet tall?" "I'm sure, my vertically-challenged son," says the Pope, trying not show his curiosity. "Okay," moans Grumpy. So the Pope listens to the dwarves as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarves. Grumpy mutters, "He said they don't have any." And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"
A man who is concerned about his wife cheating on him wants to catch her in the act. He doesn’t have enough money to hire a PI, so he goes to a pet shop. There he asks the clerk if he has a parrot for sale. The clerk shows him the last parrot he has: “This is the last parrot I have for sale. He doesn’t have any legs, but he is very smart.” The man asks, “If he doesn’t have any legs, how does he stay on the perch?” “He holds on with his dick.” the clerk answered. The man asks ” How much?” “Since he doesn’t have any legs, I’ll sell him to you for fifty bucks.” The suspicious man purchases the talking bird and takes him home. He sets up the cage in his bedroom where he can see everything; he then instructs the parrot to watch what ever goes on in the room and inform him when he gets home from work. So the next morning he leaves for work and his wife stays home, as usual. When the man gets home from work, as his wife is cooking supper, he asks the parrot to tell him what went on during the day. The parrot begins, “At eight o’clock this morning the mailman came….” Interrupting the man asks, “Yeah and what happened?” “he came in the house…” Furiously, the man asked “And then” “…and then he came into the bedroom…” Astounded the man impatiently asks, “What happened next?” “He began to take off his clothes and she hers…” “What happened after that!” The parrot then replied, “I don’t know I sprung a boner and fell off!”
Did you hear about the overweight man who took up horse riding as exercise? The horse lost 15 pounds in a week!
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus."
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. "These," she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
Roses are red, Violets are blue, faces like yours belong in a zoo. Don't worry I'll be there too, not in the cage, but laughing at you.