The best animal jokes

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful, she had to sleep in cold back alleys where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy. A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. Earth was no better for them than it was the cat. They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates. One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.
Vote: has 77.50 % from 30 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal
Q: Why is a sheep better than a woman? A: A sheep doesn't care if you fuck her sister.
Vote: has 77.50 % from 30 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, dirty, family, sex, women
Yo mama is so stupid, when I offered her animal crackers she said no thanks, I'm a vegetarian.
Vote: has 77.32 % from 280 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, insulting, Yo mama
Chuck Norris doesn't scroll with a mouse. He uses a lion.
Vote: has 77.22 % from 121 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, computer
The Teacher asked Little Johnny, "How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?" Little Johnny replied, "Just Don't bite any."
Vote: has 77.16 % from 249 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, health, little Johnny, teacher
Two men were walking through the woods when a large bear walked out into the clearing not more than fifty feet from them. The first man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of running shoes. Then, as the bear slowly approached them, he furiously attempted to lace them up. The second man, somewhat confused, looked at the first man and said, "Whaddya doing? Running shoes ain’t gonna help! You can't outrun that there bear!" "I don't need to outrun the bear, buddy," said the first man, "I just need to outrun you."
Vote: has 76.99 % from 9 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal
Q: What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? A: ‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!
Vote: has 76.99 % from 9 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender… "Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees." "Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?" "She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'"
Vote: has 76.96 % from 52 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, animal, bar, bartender, women
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
Vote: has 76.89 % from 23 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal
Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child,"No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
Vote: has 76.89 % from 23 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: accountant, animal, kids, tax