Dog Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
7. If it just looks like mine, its mine.
8. If I saw it first, its mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If its broken, its yours.
This guy sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.
So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.
Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed.
He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing.
Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he ot it.
He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.
“YES, YES, YES!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
“Good!” said the first bat, “Because I fucking didn’t!”
Two cows were talking in the field.
One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"
The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn"t it?"
What do you call an operation on a rabbit?
A hare-cut.
I've just discovered a method for making wool out of milk.
But doesn't that make the cow feel a little sheepish?
Yo mama is so hairy, Kingkong got jealous.
What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
They both like a tight seal.
This guy from up north just up and one day moved down south to start himself a farm.
He came across this man and asked him where he could get a good donkey to pull a cart and plow.
The man said I've got just what you need.
Only thing is down here we don't call them donkeys we call them an ass.
He said when this ass stops you'll have to get off the cart and slap them to get it going again.
The northern man thanks him and heads on his way.
He comes up to a man seeking chickens.
He says to the man, I'd like to buy a rooster and a hen.
The guy sai d sure thing but down here we don't call em roosters and hens.
We call them a cock and a pullet.
The man from up north says ok, thanks the man and is on his way.
He going along in his cart when his donkey stops in the middle of the road.
He remembers what the man said he had to do to get it going.
Just then a lady is walking by.
So he walks up to her and says, "excuse me miss, but will you hold my cock and pullet while I slap my ass."
Vote:
What kind of bees make milk instead of honey?
Boobies.