The best animal jokes

A man received a phone call one day, and the caller asked if he had lost a parrot. He said that he had indeed lost the bird, but wanted to know how the caller located him. The called said that the bird had landed on his balcony and kept repeating, "Hi, you have reached 555-1234. I can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message at the tone."
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has 73.89 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: animal, phone
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "There's no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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has 73.88 % from 118 votes. More jokes about: animal, baby, kids, women
Dog Property Laws 1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If its in my mouth, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway. 7. If it just looks like mine, its mine. 8. If I saw it first, its mine. 9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 10. If its broken, its yours.
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has 73.84 % from 362 votes. More jokes about: animal
Chuck Norris was mauled by a bear once, then the bear woke up and apologized.
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has 73.83 % from 109 votes. More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris
Yo' Mama is so fat, the hippos at the zoo get jealous of her figure.
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has 73.74 % from 169 votes. More jokes about: animal, fat, insulting, Yo mama
I was just told that my dog chased someone on a bicycle and bit him. That's bullshit, my dog can't even ride a bicycle.
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has 73.67 % from 335 votes. More jokes about: animal, dog
A man and a woman were on a nude beach when a wasp flew into the woman's vagina. In a rush the guy pulled on his shorts, wrapped a towel around the woman, and ran to the hospital. When they got there the doctor said, "The only way I can think to get the wasp out is to slather some honey on my penis and lure it out." The doctor then offered his services for a mere $50. After a long pause, the couple agreed. The doctor happily slathered on some honey and went in. After a couple of thrusts the husband said, "Hey, what the hell is going on?" The doctor says, "Change of plans I'm going to drown the bastard."
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has 73.66 % from 130 votes. More jokes about: animal, dirty, doctor, marriage, sex
You mama is so fat when we went to the beach the whales sang, "We are family."
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has 73.65 % from 306 votes. More jokes about: animal, family, fat, Yo mama
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?" The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite." The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him. "Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!" The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"
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has 73.64 % from 59 votes. More jokes about: animal, dog
Why are dolphins cleverer than humans? Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish.
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has 73.53 % from 25 votes. More jokes about: animal, food
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