The best animal jokes

Yo mama is so hairy, Kingkong got jealous.
Vote: has 75.22 % from 211 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: animal, insulting, Yo mama
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus."
Vote: has 75.05 % from 110 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: animal, parrot
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. "You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?" "Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' - that did it!"
Vote: has 75.03 % from 77 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: animal, dog, life, military, winter
A man and a woman were on a nude beach when a wasp flew into the woman's vagina. In a rush the guy pulled on his shorts, wrapped a towel around the woman, and ran to the hospital. When they got there the doctor said, "The only way I can think to get the wasp out is to slather some honey on my penis and lure it out." The doctor then offered his services for a mere $50. After a long pause, the couple agreed. The doctor happily slathered on some honey and went in. After a couple of thrusts the husband said, "Hey, what the hell is going on?" The doctor says, "Change of plans I'm going to drown the bastard."
Vote: has 75.00 % from 119 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: animal, dirty, doctor, marriage, sex
Are shellfish warm? No they re clammy.
Vote: has 75.00 % from 15 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: animal
Two deer hunters were not having any luck so they asked for advice from an old-timer. "You can just about guarantee a deer if you learn to hunt with dogs," he said. The two hunters got a trained deer dog and hit the woods. At the end of the day and still empty-handed, one hunter said to the other, "Maybe tomorrow we'll get one if we throw the dog out of a higher treestand."
Vote: has 75.00 % from 15 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: animal, dog, hunting, time
A blind man with an assistance dog was getting ready to cross the street. When the dog took him across he almost got ran over by the traffic and the cars where sliding everywhere to avoid hitting him. When he got to the other side, he took out a treat to give to the dog. A spectator who saw what happened couldn't believe his eyes. He ran over to the blind man and said, "Sir, why are you rewarding that dog, he almost got you killed?" The blind man replied, "I'm trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!"
Vote: has 74.94 % from 32 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: animal
Q: Why is a sheep better than a woman? A: A sheep doesn't care if you fuck her sister.
Vote: has 74.78 % from 37 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: animal, dirty, family, sex, women
Roses are red, Violets are blue, faces like yours belong in a zoo. Don't worry I'll be there too, not in the cage, but laughing at you.
Vote: has 74.72 % from 76 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: animal, insulting, poems, ugly
A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that." The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."
Vote: has 74.72 % from 42 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, animal, bar, bartender, dog


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