I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees
The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over.
"You've given me one too many" I said.
"That one is a freebie"
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Jim and Lena were driving around the countryside when they ran over a skunk.
"We better take the skunk to the vet, Lena.
Just put the skunk between your legs to keep it warm."
"But, Jim, what about the smell?"
"Don't worry, Lena. The skunk will get used to it."
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A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer. ''Hi,'' he croaks.
''What's your name?''
The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack.
May I help you?''
''Yeah,'' says the frog.
''I'd like to borrow some money.''
The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form.
''Okay,what's your name?''
The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.''
''Really?'' says the loan officer.
''Any relation to Mick Jagger?''
''Yeah, he's my dad.''
''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer.
''Do you have any collateral?''
The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?''
The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure.
Let me go check with the bank manager.''
''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me.''
The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm not even sure what it is.''
The manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old man's a Rolling Stone.''
Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
A: Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
What's a moo hoo for a darling bull?
A dear steer.
Animal testing is a terrible idea;
they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up.
Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Q: What was the last thing her husband said to her?
A: I'll feed the dog, you feed the fish.
Dog Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
7. If it just looks like mine, its mine.
8. If I saw it first, its mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If its broken, its yours.
What's the difference between a reindeer and a snowball?
They re both brown, except the snowball.