The best animal jokes

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?" The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite." The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him. "Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!" The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"
Vote: has 74.36 % from 56 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, dog
Local mountain lions have been complaining about the recent string of Chuck Norris attacks.
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More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris
What do you call a person in china who doesn't eat dog? A tourist.
Vote: has 74.33 % from 84 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, dog, food, racist
A snail starts a slow climb up the trunk of an apple tree. He is watched by a sparrow who can't help laughing and eventually says "Don't you know there aren't any apples on the tree yet?" "Yes," said the snail, "but there will be by the time I get up there."
Vote: has 74.21 % from 31 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, food, travel
Curiosity didn't kill the cat. Chuck Norris did.
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More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, death
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy.“
Vote: has 74.20 % from 46 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal
A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that." The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."
Vote: has 74.15 % from 41 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, animal, bar, bartender, dog
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. "You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?" "Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' - that did it!"
Vote: has 74.08 % from 74 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, dog, life, military, winter
What kind of bees make milk instead of honey? Boobies.
Vote: has 74.00 % from 123 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, food, women
A man and a woman were on a nude beach when a wasp flew into the woman's vagina. In a rush the guy pulled on his shorts, wrapped a towel around the woman, and ran to the hospital. When they got there the doctor said, "The only way I can think to get the wasp out is to slather some honey on my penis and lure it out." The doctor then offered his services for a mere $50. After a long pause, the couple agreed. The doctor happily slathered on some honey and went in. After a couple of thrusts the husband said, "Hey, what the hell is going on?" The doctor says, "Change of plans I'm going to drown the bastard."
Vote: has 73.96 % from 114 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, dirty, doctor, marriage, sex