One day, a guy decides to go ice fishing.
He gets out onto the ice and starts making a hole with his ice augur.
Suddenly he hears a booming voice say "there's no fish there!"
He looks around startled but doesn't see anyone.
He packs up and moves to another spot and starts working on a new hole.
Again he hears the booming voice "there's no fish there!"
He moves again and starts making a new hole and hears the voice again.
"There's no fish there!" it booms.
He looks up nervously.
"G-G-God? I-I-Is that... you?" he asks.
"No, it's the arena manager. Get the fuck out of here!"
What did the magician say when he made his rabbit disappear?
Hare today, gone tomorrow.
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road.
A woman is driving down the same road.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!"
The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!"
They each continue on their way, and ... as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road ... and dies immediately.
If only men would listen...
A Koala and a Prostitiute had just finished having sex, so the Prostitute said, "
All right, now give me my money!"
The Koala replied, "
Money, what for?" "
What for?", the Prostitute growled,
"Look up Prostitute in the dictionary and read what it says."
So the Koala looked up prostitute in the dictionary.
It said, "Prostitute- A woman who is paid to have sex."
" Okay," said the Koala, " now you look up Koala in the dictionary, and read what it says."
So the Prostitute looked up Koala in the dictionary.
It said, "Koala- A furry animal who eats bush, then leaves."
There was this atheist and he was in the woods.
And suddenly he heard some leaves cracking.
He looked behind and there was a huge bear behind him.
He started running and running and soon the bear was right on top of him and his paw was on top of him like he was going to swat him but suddenly he saw this big light appear and said; “For all these years you have despised me and now you call for my help.”
The atheist said, “I’m sorry God. If you can’t help me, can’t you at least turn the bear into a Christian?
Then the light disappeared.
Then the bear knelt down and said, “Bless me Lord for this meal I’m about to receive!”
A psychiatrist had no patients in his office and he was bored. Suddenly , the door opened slowly and a man crept into the room on four legs. His mouth was full with pieces of colored plastic. He was holding strange objects in his hands. He was dragging cables along behind himself. The doctor was glad because of the visit and exclaimed, "And what do we have here, a little snake? Come to Uncle Doctor, my snake..."
The man shook his head.
"Oh, sorry, I didn't notice your legs. You're a dragon, right?"
The man shook his head again angrily.
"Sorry... a worm?"
The visitor spitted out the plastic pieces.
"Go to hell, you idiot! I'm the system administrator and I came to change your LAN cable!"
A boy went into a hoare house and said he wanted an AIDS's infected prostitute.
The woman at reception said room 9 top of the hall.
He went to the room and did his business.When he was leaving she asked him why he wanted her she being aids infected.
The boy answered,"When I go home i'll sleep with the babysitter then my dad will sleep with the babysitter then my dad will sleep with my mam then in the morning my mam will fuck the milkman and thats the BASTARD that ran over my dog.
Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain.
One of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip, and put it over her cigarette.
The other lady said, 'Hey, that's a good idea.
What's that called?'
The lady responded, 'It's a condom.'
The other lady said, 'Where can you get one of those?'
She said, 'Oh, just about any grocery of drug store.'
So, the next day, the lady went to a local drug store, went up to the cashier, and said, 'I need to get some condoms.'
The cashier looked at her puzzled (because of her age) and said, 'UH, what size?'
The lady responded, 'Hmm, one that would fit a camel.'
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy.“
A Girl was towelling her wet pussy.
She enjoyed it so much that she began to rub it vigorously until...
...the pussy cried "Meow" and runs away.
Moral Lessons
1. Be kind to Animals
2. Always keep your thoughts clean...